My name is Danielle Cole and I'm a Crazy Girlfriend.

Today was a stressful day for me so I'm coming to this blog to write about it. Today was the first time I've ever had to truly worry about you, Joel. Sure you're clumsy and sick a lot, but it's never been serious enough for me to get sick with worry. But something about the texts you were sending me, I could feel the pain through the screen of my phone. I've never had a strong desire to take on someone else's pain, but I wanted to take all of your's away. I've never felt like that before today. I wanted to be beside you and hold your hand and make you laugh to distract you. I wanted to tell you I love you a million times over. Even though the medical side of me knew you would be just fine. I knew it wasn't life-threatening or emergent, but I felt like you were having a massive heart attack. I guess I've never been one to worry during medical issues, because I grew up around hospitals and I know a lot about medicine. But I woke my mom up and told her what was going on, I felt like I was overreacting and being completely illogical so I wanted her to calm me down. But, she just laughed and said "Danielle, you're being a girlfriend. This is what it's like to love someone. I used to freak out when you scraped your knee as a kid. Love takes away all logic you have." I see that now. I couldn't possibly be a medical student in that moment because I was a girlfriend who loved her boyfriend, her sweet and amazing boyfriend who was hurting. The emotions and feelings I have for you, Joel, they overwhelm me and turn me into the crazy girlfriend who probably freaks out every time you cut yourself shaving. I now understand what it's like to want to take someone's pain away. I now understand why doctors can't work on family members, because every logical side of you disappears when someone you love is hurt. So maybe reading this will make you see how much I do love you. I never want to see you hurt by anything or anyone. I will do everything in my power, for the rest of my life, to shield you from all the pain possible. It's probably not much of a consolation prize, but your pain did lead to me realizing this... I'm so happy you're okay. I can't wait to kiss you better(not intended to be sexual.) <3

I love you Joel.
Thank you for making me the crazy concerned girlfriend.

Chicago Trip-Danielle

            The weekend started off awful for me to be honest. The journey to Chicago wasn’t very pleasant at all. By the time I got to Chicago, I was running on little sleep, no food, and zero patience. I walked outside and those freezing cold temperatures hit me and I almost cried, but obviously I saved that for later. The entire morning was spent making wrong turns and getting even more lost than before. I think once I got into my hotel room and actually sat down, it all came flooding over me. I wanted to shower, but I didn’t want to move an inch. I wanted to sleep, but I felt like throwing up. So I called my mom and cried my eyes out like a baby. I even went as far to say that I wanted to come back home. I was so overwhelmed, I had never been alone in a big city like Chicago and it was terrifying to me. Despite all of that, the moment I saw you walk towards me at OTC was worth every moment of stress I went through. You looked around the food court and the second you saw me, your face lit up. I could replay that scene in my head a million times. Every doubt, fear, or pain I felt was completely gone in that moment. All I felt was that raw sense of happiness and love that only you bring to me. I wish I could describe the way you make me feel and put it into words. I wish I could bottle up all the emotions I have for you and splash it onto this paper. I was physically next to the guy I see on Skype every night and that is something I can’t describe. Every moment I spent with you that weekend was magical. It was flawless. It didn’t matter that we changed up the plan because I was next to you and that was all that mattered.  Lying next to you was comforting, feeling your lips against mine was overwhelming, and touching your body was intoxicating. I felt a sense of safety and security that I’ve never felt before. I proudly linked my arm into yours and put my hand into your;s because I knew you would protect me. I knew you would protect me from any person, place, or thing. I knew you would protect me from myself and my insecurities. I’ve never felt that way about anyone other than you. You overwhelm me and complete me, Joel Lima. There’s not a word in the English Language capable of expressing the hurricane of emotions I feel when I think about our love. I just love you.

 I love how you can take my tears and turn them into laughter. I love how you can take my freezing cold hands and warm them up. I love how you can take away the negative in my life with your kisses. I love the sound and feel of your heartbeat, it's something that I'll never forget. I love just looking at our phones and apps together, laughing at funny things for hours. I love how you were willing to lose your gloves, give up your jacket, and face the crazy cold for me. I love your oversized snow boots that kept me laughing all weekend.  I love how you braved multiple hours of shopping with me even though it’s not your thing. I love how you pulled me close every time I turned away. I love how we got on the wrong bus and ended up eating at some random KFC and watching hockey (GO HAWKS!) I love spending the entire day in OTC’s food court despite there being nothing to do in that place. I love Gumby and your jacket and that rubber band ball more than anything a store can sell me. I love every touch, every hug, and every kiss. I even love the moments we spent clinging to each other before you had to walk away to catch your train. I am so in love with you that it hurts like hell to go on the trips because I know it has to end. I am so in love with you that I’m crazy enough to go through it all over again in the spring. I am so in love with you that I’ll spend the rest of my life waiting on you if I have to. I will spend the next 10 years waiting on you if it means I get 50+ years of what that weekend was like. I can’t wait to see you again during Spring Break. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life tangled up and completely in love with you. Until then, I’m counting down the days, stressfully planning the trip, and replaying the memories in my head. 

     

     Thank you for a weekend straight from a romantic movie scene.

     Thank you for existing and picking me to share your heart with. 

     I love you. I love you to Chicago and back. I love you to the moon and back.

    You are my forever. 

Chicago Trip-Joel

I know this is a long time overdue, seeing as the trip was over a week ago now. And I should have started writing the moment I got inside my house. But I didn't, and for that I apologize. But don't think I waited so long because I had nothing I wanted to say about the trip, because I had a million different things on my mind. No, I waited this long because it took me a while to sort out my thoughts and pull together the words to say what I have to.

     The things that made this trip memorable to me come in three parts. The first part: What it took to make the trip happen at all. Its not often that I place the planning and sorting out and preparing anywhere but at the bottom of the list, but this was special. Even though there were times where we weren't certain that this trip could happen at all, we pushed through it. We fought every step of the way to make the trip happen, you more than me maybe, but we were together every second of the planning phase. That was an incredible bonding experience. It really helped us learn about each other, things like how we handle stress, how we prepare for possible outcomes, how well we can manage resources. It was something unique and it was something valuable. Even when my parents found out about me lying, and I thought there was no possible way I could make the trip work you were there. You calmed me down and you became a leader. You pushed me through to reforming my plans and turning the situation to my advantage.

      All those things are what made it special. They give some truth to the idea that the journey is what matters more, not the destination. But only some. Which leads me to the second part: The trip itself. The trip was absolutely magical. Like, beyond my wildest dreams magical. I was smiling almost every second, and the times I wasn't smiling, I was either kissing you or being murdered by the cold wind....and even then I was smiling on the inside like a huge faggot. I'm so glad we were able to get a room that was close enough to shopping districts and restaurants and actual places of interest. I know I teased you about the size of the room and the shady alleys and people, but the hostel was perfect. The room was cozy and comfortable, it was a million times better than the one in Barrington, in my opinion. The bathrooms weren't even that bad. Like, I literally only ever say one other person in there, and he wasn't even using the facilities. The Chickfila was mind-blowing. I cant believe I've lived this long without trying such good food. I feel ashamed and dumb. But thanks to you, I got my chickfila virginity taken away, and I cant wait to go there again. I'll always think of you when I'm eating it, so its just another thing permanently associated with you in my mind. I also loved the shopping we did. Although it was mostly window shopping, it was a nice little preview of what I'll get to do with you all the time when we're living together. It felt so real and good, and I do wish I had more money so I could buy you stuff. I saw so many things that would have looked so nice on you, and I wished I could get them. Guess I'll just have to do it next time. Now, food and shopping are fun and all but I need to address the physical aspects of the trip. Mainly, the sex. Oh my god was that amazing. You made me feel so comfortable and good, and you were so gentle and patient. You never did anything I wasn't okay with, you never went too far, too fast, or too slow. You did everything just right and I just about lost my mind. Cant compare to the brain cells you might have lost, but its still something.....sorry about that again, by the way ;o;
Sex wasnt all, though. I loved all your kisses, I loved linking arms as we walked through the snow, I loved that kiss we shared at night under the trees. I loved all the little romantic things we did. They might have been silly and small and insignificant, but after craving all of it for so long, there was nothing better. So all in all, the contents of the trip were amazing and perfect and I'll never forget it. It was so much better than the first one. We were much more relaxed and comfortable in each others' company. We had fun the entire time and I cant want to do it again.

    The third part is what you gave me. Not just physical things, the emotional things too. The things you cant touch or see, but that are still very much real and important. The biggest thing being you gave me was something to look forward to. I have not had something happy and good to look forward to in a very long time. I mean, I have goals and things to accomplish before I die, but I've not had a short-term thing to be excited about for a long time. You gave me hope for nice things, you gave me excitement. You gave me a lying to my parents, sneaking out of the house, fooling around with a girl type of weekend and that's a special thing. My life became something to tell stories about, it became the kind of thing kids dream about. And you gave me that. You make dreams come true, as corny and cliched as that sounds. I love you make that weekend happen.I love you for coming into my life. I love you for Cathy and Gumby and Oliver and all the memories I have with you. I loved this trip and I cant wait to be doing it all over again. I miss you love you, with all my heart.. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you<3

I love you Danielley Wellington <3 I will always love you, until the day I die. You're my rock and you're the most important person in my life. You led me out of a very dark place in my life and stuck with me through all the times when I had nobody else. You did what nobody else did or could do, and I'm eternally grateful for you. I really do believe God put you in my life and that we're going to make an amazing life out of it.I'll always be here for you, through thick and thin. I'll never abandon you. I'm your Joely and I love you. Thank you for giving me that chance<3

You're adorable...

Even when you're sulking you're cute ;o;

Lacey.

 My Best Friend: 

Today I want to talk about dogs. Well really I could talk about issues I am angry and upset about but I don't want to publicize all my problems, so I will vent through this dog conversation.

         I'm sure everyone gets asked at least once in their life, "Who is your best friend?" Well, most people spit out a name or two which I could also easily do. But if I really think about it the definition of a "best friend," none of those names other than my mother would accurately fit the description. Now do not mistake this as some rude remark towards the people I call my best friends. They are great, amazing people, but they're not perfect and we've all made mistakes obviously, but some days I just feel like they fail me. Anyways, back to the main point. Ask me to give you a name of my best friend. Lacey. Who is Lacey? Lacey is my beyond adorable dachshund mix dog. She just turned 9 in November and she's just like a puppy. See since the very moment Lacey was given to me, she has loved me. It took about two seconds for her to sniff me and she knew from that point forward that I was trustworthy. Since day one Lacey has given me more love and friendship than any human in my life. All I had to do was take care of her basic needs, pet her, and throw her a toy occasionally and she returned those gestures with endless love. Every single day for nine years, that adorable dog has woken up next to me, whimpered when I left for school/etc, and wagged her tail excessively when I returned home. When I'm upset, sick, or crying, she comes up to me and it's like she knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. Lacey is loyal. She wouldn't be upset if I forgot her birthday or didn't buy her a Christmas present. Lacey wouldn't be angry if I was having a bad day and didn't want to go out with her. Lacey has never broken a promise or abandoned me. Lacey has never said or done an intentional hurtful thing to me. Maybe it's a bigger problem of me having bad people who have hurt me in the past and an array of trust issues, I'm sure a psychologist would have fun diagnosing me, but overall I have just found how much easier life is with a dog like Lacey in it. I'm not saying I've completely shut my human connections off, I still have many good friends that I can turn to when needed. But overall, Lacey with her cute little paws and cold, wet nose is the winner. Lacey has never said a single word in her 9 plus years of life yet she's touched my heart and my life in a way no human ever has. Lacey is truly and completely my best friend.

<3

The Struggle-Danielle

So this blog is more about getting my feelings out there than talking directly to you, Joel.

I have this endless struggle of being overweight. I've never seen myself as drop-dead gorgeous or even very attractive. I find myself to be average and that's okay. I've always been okay with being average. I can put on makeup, straighten my hair, and put on an overpriced Victoria Secret push up bra, but honestly that's not who Danielle really is. I've accepted that Danielle is average in the looks category. I'm above average at school and that's a great compensation in my opinion. But see there's a problem because my boyfriend, aka Joel, is above average. He won't ever admit it but he has really blossomed into an attractive young gentleman. I have so many friends who comment on his good looks and I know they're probably thinking "Why in the world would some swimmer/good looking guy from Chicago want anything to do with this ugly cow?" And honestly, I know he loves me and all, but I really don't know. He could probably have his pick of girls in high school or college, but he doesn't. I secretly think it's Stockholm Syndrome but he also denies that... Overall, it is a struggle for me to deal with this. I think it's mainly the weight issues that cause all of this to be a problem. I'm losing weight for my health, of course, but I'm also losing it for him. I want to make him proud to be my boyfriend. I want him to turn to his guy friends and be like "yeah that's my super hot girlfriend over there, be jealous." Of course he would never tell me to lose weight because he knows that'll quickly get him in trouble...but I'm still doing it partly for him. I just felt like getting that out there because he and I were talking about it earlier today, take it as you will.

On the hotness scale: 
Joel: 10
Danielle: 5.5

I close with saying this: Ultimately, I'm so thankful for his complete acceptance of me. He has never looked down on me or judged me and that means the world to me. Even though he says I don't need to change, he'll enjoy it when I'm skinny and super sexy. Wink wink.
 Joel: Don't feel bad about any of this, it's just something I'm getting out, not some big crisis. I love you.

-Danielle <3