Work in Progress

Well here I am writing on this pointless blog yet again. I can't even begin to explain why I continue to use this website occasionally but I find a level of peace here that I can't seem to find elsewhere. I'm going to just leave some of my heartfelt Taylor Swift lyrics here because these express how I feel better than my words ever could. This is my best attempt of our *Love Story* completely with TS lyrics.


There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles, same old tired lonely place. Walls of insincerity, shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face...All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you... The playful conversation starts, counter all your quick remarks, passing notes in secrecy. And it was enchanting to meet you. All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you.

She can't see the way your eyes light up when you smile. She'll never notice how you stop and stare whenever she walks by. And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her, but you are everything to me.  And I just want to show you, she don't even know you, she's never going to love you like I want to. You just see right through me but if you only knew me, we could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible...like shadows in the faded light, oh, we're invisible.

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset. She's going off about something you said, 'cause she doesn't get your humor like I do. I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night, I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like, she'll never know your story like I do. But she wears short skirts, I wear tshirts. She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers, dreaming about the day you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time. If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me.

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago, I was in your sights, you got me alone. You found me. You found me. I guess you didn't care and I guess I liked that and when I fell hard, you took a step back without me, without me. And he's long gone when he's next to me and I realized the blame is on me. I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Shame on me now, you flew me to places I'd never been, till you put me down. Oh I knew you were trouble when you walked in, flew me to places I'd never been. Now I'm lying on the cold, hard ground. Trouble, trouble, trouble. No apologies, he'll never see cry. Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why you're drowning, drowning. I heard you moved on from whispers on the street, a new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be...and now I see, that he was long gone when he met me, and I realize the joke is on me. Trouble, trouble, trouble.

You're the kind of reckless that should send me running, but I kind of know I won't get far...My mind forgets to remind me that you're a bad idea.

Oh, oh, oh. Stand like a ghost, shaking from the rain. She'll open the door and say "are you insane?" Say it's been a long six months and you were too afraid to tell her what you want. And that's how it works, that's how you get the girl. And then you say "I want you for worst or for better. I would wait forever and ever. Broke your heart, I'll put it back together, I would wait forever and ever. That's how it works...that's how you get the girl.

You were in college working part-time waiting tables, left a small town and never looked back. I was a flight risk with a fear of falling...wondering why we bother with love if it never lasts. I say "can you believe it?" as we're lying on the couch...the moment I can see it, yes, yes, I can see it now. Do you remember we were sitting there by the water, you put your arm around me for the first time. You made a rebel out of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

This is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night. I go back to December all the time.

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty is the face in the mirror looking back at you. You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but that's not true. Hold on baby, you're losing it. The water is high, you're jumping into it and letting go. And nobody knows... you cry but you don't tell anyone that you might not be the golden one. You're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone. I guess it's true that love was all you wanted, cause you're giving it away like it's extra change, hoping it will end up in his pocket, but he leaves you out like a penny in the rain. Oh, cause it's not his price to pay, it's not his price to pay. You're tied together with a smile but you're coming undone.

And I remember that fight, 2:30 am, everything was slipping out of our hands...I ran out crying and you followed me out to the street...braced myself for the "goodbye," cause that's all I've ever known. Then you took me by surprise, you said "I'll never leave you alone." You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water, every time I look at you it's like the first time. I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter, she is the best that's ever mine."

Walking through the crowds, villages aglow, kaleidoscopes of loud heartbeats, undercoats. Everybody here wanted something more, searching for a sound we haven't heard before and it said "Welcome to New York (Chicago), it's been waiting for you. Welcome to New York (Chicago), Welcome to New York.

Walked in expecting you to be late, but you got here early, you stand and wave, I walk to you. You pull my chair out and help me in, you don't know how nice that is, but I do. And you throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. But on a Wednesday, in a cafe, I watched it begin again.

All I've knew this morning when I woke is that I know something now that I didn't before. And all I've seen since 18 hours ago, is green(brown) eyes, freckles, and your smile in the back of my mind like...I just wanna know you better, know you better now. All I know is we said hello and your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple name and everything has changed. All I know is that you held the door, you'll be mine and I'll be your's. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed. All my walls stood tall, painted blue. I'll take 'em down, take 'em down, and open up the door for you. And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like I just wanna know you better, know you better now.

Oh, oh. Well you stood there with me in the doorway, my hands shake, I'm not usually this way but...you pull me in and I'm a little more brave. It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something...It's fearless.

You said it in a simple way, four a.m., the second day, how strange that I don't know you at all. We stumbled through the long goodbye, one last kiss then catch your flight, right when I was just about to fall. I told myself "don't get attached," but in my mind I play it back... faster than the plane that took you.

This is falling in love in the cruelest way, this is falling in love when you are worlds away.

I like the way you sound in the morning, we're on the phone and without a warning I realize your laugh is the best sound I have ever heard.

VE= VT x RR

Well, I don't think anyone is out there reading these things but I continue to write when I'm feeling overwhelmed. Sadly, Joel doesn't even bother to read or write here anymore, so I guess it's a dying idea. Nonetheless, I will continue to write my heart out into the depths of blogger.

I don't understand what has happened in my life. I went to sleep and I was excited because Joel was coming down to visit the next day and I woke up to a call telling me he was missing. I don't want to go into the private details of the situation because it's not all my story to tell, but it shook my entire world. Suddenly, my happy (or so I thought) relationship is sitting here in ruins. It took days to get him to even speak a word to me and once he did he was brutally cold. He is slowly warming back up but he's not the same Joel. He is lost, I guess. I don't know. That's the popular phrase right now. "I don't know." He can't give me answers to any of my questions. He can't explain why he did what he did to me. He can't answer his own questions. I guess in reality, I should understand because I've been in dark places like this. I've been in a place where I knew nothing but depression and tears. I guess it's a lot harder to be on the other side of the situation. I just feel hurt. I feel completely betrayed. He lied to my face about a lot of stuff. He did things without telling me about it. He was basically living a whole other life behind my back. Everything from fake trip plans to hidden money. I feel so betrayed. I shouldn't because I've done worse to him but I do. I feel betrayed because we made promises to each other. At least my sins were done before any commitment was made. I'm not justifying it or saying it's any less awful, but breaking promises seem so much more intense to me. I feel stupid because here I am, this naive girl, spending all of my time and money on a guy who wasn't doing the same for me. I feel so dirty because he would spend weekends in bed with me then go back to his dorm room and live a completely different life. I feel crushed because he looked me in the eyes and said "see you tomorrow. I love you." and then he didn't show. Most of all, I feel completely empty because all of this led me to one conclusion that I can't get out of my head: He never really loved me at all.

He wanted to love me. He probably even thought he loved me in some sense. I think the bigger problem is that he doesn't truly understand what love is or what it is supposed to look like. Sadly, I think I was the first person in his life to spark something so he snatched it up and labeled it "love." Meanwhile, I truly did fall in love with him so I think he just played along and said the things he was supposed to say. He did everything he was supposed to do to love me, yet he doesn't. Love isn't something you can force even when the person is so lovable. We want to love the right people but most often our hearts fall for the complete opposite. This series of events has led to me to replay every memory I can possibly conjure and I see everything completely different now that I don't have a giant red heart of new love in front of my vision. I flashback to our very first trips to Chicago, I see a guy who likes me but he isn't sure. I look back to the first time he walked through the train station door and the look on his face screamed "What am I doing here?" I go back to our walks through downtown Chicago and I think about how he never really acted like he enjoyed it. I move forward to the trips to Carbondale and I see someone who was coerced into visiting me. I see someone who didn't really want or need to have sex but probably did because I was ready to. I look back on every situation and I see myself wanting him and him not wanting it but doing it for me regardless. That's sweet in theory but it's horrifying to realize that you can't think of one time when your boyfriend actually suggested something. I planned everything on every single trip and I thought that's just because he was a poor planner but now I see it's because he couldn't find a desire to go out of his way and plan something special. I look back and I see him always getting nervous when he saw someone he knew when he was with me. I see how he never introduced me to anyone. I understand we were on the "down low" because of his parents, but no one. He never introduced me to anyone. I often wondered if someone asked who I was if he would tell them the truth. I always wanted to meet his friends and say hello. I walked through a group of his friends one time and he didn't say a word to any of them about me. I guess his roommate knew because Joel spent so much time talking to me in his dorm room but that's probably the extent of it. I spoke to a lot of his friends about his whereabouts that day he was missing and none of them knew I existed, not even his best friend. His best friend who wouldn't have said a word to his parents or caused any problems for us, but yet he wouldn't tell him. The guy was happy to hear Joel had a girlfriend, he was nice to me, but Joel never said a word. I had to hear this guy tell me about how Joel "didn't really talk about any girls" or "he didn't get lucky his freshman year." It's like I didn't even exist. I don't understand how you can have a girl in your life for two years and not even mention her. Even his parents knew I existed in some form. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to know this. Yes, it's horrible to put your self worth in the opinion of another person but it makes me feel worthless. I see even the worst of guys brag about their girlfriends. They are proud to have that girl in their lives and they let people know that. Am I not something to be proud of? I've always struggled with that question. My dad leaving really made it hard to find an answer to that. Why would he leave if I was such a good daughter? Of course, the logical side of me knows he left because he didn't want to be in the marriage anymore but he left me too. He isn't very involved in my life so he did leave me too. I guess that's where my perfectionist complex comes from. I've developed this need to do well and exceed in things to compensate for the loss. Somewhere along the way, all the hard work I was doing to get my dad's attention somehow transferred over to Joel. I started working my ass off in school to get the A's to impress him. I bought nicer clothes to try to impress him. I worked extra hours at my job and maxed out my credit cards to get nicer hotel rooms and do nicer things on our trips to make him happy. I bought silly embarrassing lingerie to try to turn him on. I tried to do everything right and I still wasn't worth a "Hey (his best friend's name here), I met this girl a while ago and we've been dating awhile and she's absolutely amazing and she makes me so happy." I sat around hoping that one day he would fix the thing with his parents and he would finally be able to show how proud he was of me.

I'm sorry, I'm completely rambling at this point. I just, I just don't know anymore what to feel. He still tells me he loves me but is that right? I look back on my own faults and I know how imperfect I am. I was a needy, controlling, dramatic most of the time. I understand how unhealthy I made the relationship at times. Despite all of that, I still want to believe what we had was real and good and true. I want to believe that everything we've been through wasn't something fake. The only thing I am certain of in all of this is our friendship. Our friendship will remain strong no matter what, it's unbeatable. I guess I just don't want our relationship to end there. Sadly, I think it's going to. The way we're handling things right now, it's already there. We chat about basic stuff, we watch a show or two, we say our "goodnights" and go to sleep. It's become so routine that it's terrifying. We aren't intimate on an emotional or physical level-we haven't been in months. He won't plan a trip with me so we can't be together and talk about this stuff like real couples do. We're already a giant friendship that claims to be something it's not. The scariest part is that I don't know if it can or will ever be the same again. And if it can, I don't know if I can make it long enough for the things to be fixed. Should I even want to?

I should have saw all of this coming from a mile away. The entire relationship he's been sneaky and shady with me. He's always been reserved and secretive which bothered me from day one. I should have predicted this one. I should have known better to just believe every time he wrote off my concerns or questions about something. I should have walked away when he refused multiple times to introduce me to his friends, tell his family, or even acknowledge that he wasn't single. I hate to be so negative and bitter, but I should have caught this one. None of this is a "blame game" or anger, it's just pent up emotion that is being transferred onto this blog. I guess I became the one that was blinded by love like every other sad desperate girl in history.

-Danielle

My name is Danielle Cole and I'm a Crazy Girlfriend.

Today was a stressful day for me so I'm coming to this blog to write about it. Today was the first time I've ever had to truly worry about you, Joel. Sure you're clumsy and sick a lot, but it's never been serious enough for me to get sick with worry. But something about the texts you were sending me, I could feel the pain through the screen of my phone. I've never had a strong desire to take on someone else's pain, but I wanted to take all of your's away. I've never felt like that before today. I wanted to be beside you and hold your hand and make you laugh to distract you. I wanted to tell you I love you a million times over. Even though the medical side of me knew you would be just fine. I knew it wasn't life-threatening or emergent, but I felt like you were having a massive heart attack. I guess I've never been one to worry during medical issues, because I grew up around hospitals and I know a lot about medicine. But I woke my mom up and told her what was going on, I felt like I was overreacting and being completely illogical so I wanted her to calm me down. But, she just laughed and said "Danielle, you're being a girlfriend. This is what it's like to love someone. I used to freak out when you scraped your knee as a kid. Love takes away all logic you have." I see that now. I couldn't possibly be a medical student in that moment because I was a girlfriend who loved her boyfriend, her sweet and amazing boyfriend who was hurting. The emotions and feelings I have for you, Joel, they overwhelm me and turn me into the crazy girlfriend who probably freaks out every time you cut yourself shaving. I now understand what it's like to want to take someone's pain away. I now understand why doctors can't work on family members, because every logical side of you disappears when someone you love is hurt. So maybe reading this will make you see how much I do love you. I never want to see you hurt by anything or anyone. I will do everything in my power, for the rest of my life, to shield you from all the pain possible. It's probably not much of a consolation prize, but your pain did lead to me realizing this... I'm so happy you're okay. I can't wait to kiss you better(not intended to be sexual.) <3

I love you Joel.
Thank you for making me the crazy concerned girlfriend.

Chicago Trip-Danielle

            The weekend started off awful for me to be honest. The journey to Chicago wasn’t very pleasant at all. By the time I got to Chicago, I was running on little sleep, no food, and zero patience. I walked outside and those freezing cold temperatures hit me and I almost cried, but obviously I saved that for later. The entire morning was spent making wrong turns and getting even more lost than before. I think once I got into my hotel room and actually sat down, it all came flooding over me. I wanted to shower, but I didn’t want to move an inch. I wanted to sleep, but I felt like throwing up. So I called my mom and cried my eyes out like a baby. I even went as far to say that I wanted to come back home. I was so overwhelmed, I had never been alone in a big city like Chicago and it was terrifying to me. Despite all of that, the moment I saw you walk towards me at OTC was worth every moment of stress I went through. You looked around the food court and the second you saw me, your face lit up. I could replay that scene in my head a million times. Every doubt, fear, or pain I felt was completely gone in that moment. All I felt was that raw sense of happiness and love that only you bring to me. I wish I could describe the way you make me feel and put it into words. I wish I could bottle up all the emotions I have for you and splash it onto this paper. I was physically next to the guy I see on Skype every night and that is something I can’t describe. Every moment I spent with you that weekend was magical. It was flawless. It didn’t matter that we changed up the plan because I was next to you and that was all that mattered.  Lying next to you was comforting, feeling your lips against mine was overwhelming, and touching your body was intoxicating. I felt a sense of safety and security that I’ve never felt before. I proudly linked my arm into yours and put my hand into your;s because I knew you would protect me. I knew you would protect me from any person, place, or thing. I knew you would protect me from myself and my insecurities. I’ve never felt that way about anyone other than you. You overwhelm me and complete me, Joel Lima. There’s not a word in the English Language capable of expressing the hurricane of emotions I feel when I think about our love. I just love you.

 I love how you can take my tears and turn them into laughter. I love how you can take my freezing cold hands and warm them up. I love how you can take away the negative in my life with your kisses. I love the sound and feel of your heartbeat, it's something that I'll never forget. I love just looking at our phones and apps together, laughing at funny things for hours. I love how you were willing to lose your gloves, give up your jacket, and face the crazy cold for me. I love your oversized snow boots that kept me laughing all weekend.  I love how you braved multiple hours of shopping with me even though it’s not your thing. I love how you pulled me close every time I turned away. I love how we got on the wrong bus and ended up eating at some random KFC and watching hockey (GO HAWKS!) I love spending the entire day in OTC’s food court despite there being nothing to do in that place. I love Gumby and your jacket and that rubber band ball more than anything a store can sell me. I love every touch, every hug, and every kiss. I even love the moments we spent clinging to each other before you had to walk away to catch your train. I am so in love with you that it hurts like hell to go on the trips because I know it has to end. I am so in love with you that I’m crazy enough to go through it all over again in the spring. I am so in love with you that I’ll spend the rest of my life waiting on you if I have to. I will spend the next 10 years waiting on you if it means I get 50+ years of what that weekend was like. I can’t wait to see you again during Spring Break. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life tangled up and completely in love with you. Until then, I’m counting down the days, stressfully planning the trip, and replaying the memories in my head. 

     

     Thank you for a weekend straight from a romantic movie scene.

     Thank you for existing and picking me to share your heart with. 

     I love you. I love you to Chicago and back. I love you to the moon and back.

    You are my forever. 

Chicago Trip-Joel

I know this is a long time overdue, seeing as the trip was over a week ago now. And I should have started writing the moment I got inside my house. But I didn't, and for that I apologize. But don't think I waited so long because I had nothing I wanted to say about the trip, because I had a million different things on my mind. No, I waited this long because it took me a while to sort out my thoughts and pull together the words to say what I have to.

     The things that made this trip memorable to me come in three parts. The first part: What it took to make the trip happen at all. Its not often that I place the planning and sorting out and preparing anywhere but at the bottom of the list, but this was special. Even though there were times where we weren't certain that this trip could happen at all, we pushed through it. We fought every step of the way to make the trip happen, you more than me maybe, but we were together every second of the planning phase. That was an incredible bonding experience. It really helped us learn about each other, things like how we handle stress, how we prepare for possible outcomes, how well we can manage resources. It was something unique and it was something valuable. Even when my parents found out about me lying, and I thought there was no possible way I could make the trip work you were there. You calmed me down and you became a leader. You pushed me through to reforming my plans and turning the situation to my advantage.

      All those things are what made it special. They give some truth to the idea that the journey is what matters more, not the destination. But only some. Which leads me to the second part: The trip itself. The trip was absolutely magical. Like, beyond my wildest dreams magical. I was smiling almost every second, and the times I wasn't smiling, I was either kissing you or being murdered by the cold wind....and even then I was smiling on the inside like a huge faggot. I'm so glad we were able to get a room that was close enough to shopping districts and restaurants and actual places of interest. I know I teased you about the size of the room and the shady alleys and people, but the hostel was perfect. The room was cozy and comfortable, it was a million times better than the one in Barrington, in my opinion. The bathrooms weren't even that bad. Like, I literally only ever say one other person in there, and he wasn't even using the facilities. The Chickfila was mind-blowing. I cant believe I've lived this long without trying such good food. I feel ashamed and dumb. But thanks to you, I got my chickfila virginity taken away, and I cant wait to go there again. I'll always think of you when I'm eating it, so its just another thing permanently associated with you in my mind. I also loved the shopping we did. Although it was mostly window shopping, it was a nice little preview of what I'll get to do with you all the time when we're living together. It felt so real and good, and I do wish I had more money so I could buy you stuff. I saw so many things that would have looked so nice on you, and I wished I could get them. Guess I'll just have to do it next time. Now, food and shopping are fun and all but I need to address the physical aspects of the trip. Mainly, the sex. Oh my god was that amazing. You made me feel so comfortable and good, and you were so gentle and patient. You never did anything I wasn't okay with, you never went too far, too fast, or too slow. You did everything just right and I just about lost my mind. Cant compare to the brain cells you might have lost, but its still something.....sorry about that again, by the way ;o;
Sex wasnt all, though. I loved all your kisses, I loved linking arms as we walked through the snow, I loved that kiss we shared at night under the trees. I loved all the little romantic things we did. They might have been silly and small and insignificant, but after craving all of it for so long, there was nothing better. So all in all, the contents of the trip were amazing and perfect and I'll never forget it. It was so much better than the first one. We were much more relaxed and comfortable in each others' company. We had fun the entire time and I cant want to do it again.

    The third part is what you gave me. Not just physical things, the emotional things too. The things you cant touch or see, but that are still very much real and important. The biggest thing being you gave me was something to look forward to. I have not had something happy and good to look forward to in a very long time. I mean, I have goals and things to accomplish before I die, but I've not had a short-term thing to be excited about for a long time. You gave me hope for nice things, you gave me excitement. You gave me a lying to my parents, sneaking out of the house, fooling around with a girl type of weekend and that's a special thing. My life became something to tell stories about, it became the kind of thing kids dream about. And you gave me that. You make dreams come true, as corny and cliched as that sounds. I love you make that weekend happen.I love you for coming into my life. I love you for Cathy and Gumby and Oliver and all the memories I have with you. I loved this trip and I cant wait to be doing it all over again. I miss you love you, with all my heart.. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love you<3

I love you Danielley Wellington <3 I will always love you, until the day I die. You're my rock and you're the most important person in my life. You led me out of a very dark place in my life and stuck with me through all the times when I had nobody else. You did what nobody else did or could do, and I'm eternally grateful for you. I really do believe God put you in my life and that we're going to make an amazing life out of it.I'll always be here for you, through thick and thin. I'll never abandon you. I'm your Joely and I love you. Thank you for giving me that chance<3

You're adorable...

Even when you're sulking you're cute ;o;